“Having it all” means to me is being mentally conscious of the ways of continuous growth.
Because I can have everything I wanted, ranging from family to money and anything in-between…
But, without a conscious mentality I wouldn’t have anything.
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I did it again. I started a dark episode of #saddness and #loneliness. I saw a woman yesterday with a big ass. At first I thought, “wow,” but then I thought, “…is he looking at her… I wish was enough for him so he doesn’t have to look all the time.”
The the darkness engulfed me. Later that night I had a dream that my boyfriend visited his family and found someone that they and him liked and he ended up cheating on me. When I awoke I was drenched in sweat and crying. I tried going back to sleep but to only had another dream of despair. This time, my boyfriend wasn’t there for me and I caught another guy’s attention. In the dream the guy was there for me. He cared about my mental state and wanted nothing but the best. We ended up messing around and that made me feel worst. I woke up even more #depressed. To top it off my boyfriend told me to stop giving him the cold shoulder.
I’m not trying to. I shut down when I’m overwhelmed with #depression. Its really hard for me to function let alone give love back.
So far, World, I’ve been starting things for 4 years now. I’m bitter and feel alone. I’m mean and push back anyone that smiles at me because I’m a basket case and I don’t want anyone else to suffer like my family is.
I’m not trying to be this evil and dark person that walks around hating on people all day but it looks like I am.
I really want to be #accepted and understood. I don’t want to feel like a burden when I have these moments.
With that being said, I’m going to do my best to be #postivie and #happy. If not for myself, at least for my children.
I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t hurting myself mentally and emotionally. Is there anyone out there that’s wants to be my friend and can relate?
Anyone?
No one?…
Okay. Back to talking to myself. Have a great and productive day, World.
If you’re going through the hurt of depression. Go for a #walk. Smoke a blunt. Try to do things that will distract you from the hurt. At least that’s what I’m going to try and do today. Wish me luck.
Solo mommy out.
🖤
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I have a strategy to overcome my #overeating or #binge eating.
First: since I’m not a chef and can’t even boil water because I get so distracted, so, I decided to buy #healthy pre-made meals. I figured this would help make sure I don’t eat over.
Second: work really hard on the junk. I do crave it more than a normal person, I think. Why? Well, a day without it and I’m irritable and ready to snap. That’s one sign.
Third: although tedious, momentarily I need to keep track of how much I consume. I read that if you eat over 3,500 #calories a day, you’ll likely gain a pound.
There are other factors that may be contributing to my #weight gain too. My antidepressants, or my #Bipolar #moodswings, #mommy duties, hell, #life itself.
So, I am trying #supplements along with my diet. I didn’t want anything dangerous so I chose accredited products like #Lipozene and Apple Cider Vinegar Gummies.
Wish me luck, #World.
Current Weight: 264 LBS
Goal Weight: 220 LBS
🖤
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It’s been a while. I actually, once again, thought I could survive without typing my thoughts and feelings away. So a quick update:
- I’m 251 lbs. (not counting the 2 paydays and box hot tamales I ate…)
- I’ve lost a lot of fat but gained even more muscle
- My bond with my kids is still strong and awesome
- Me and my boyfriend of 4 years… Well, it leads me into the main reason why I’m writing tonight.
Over the past 4 years me and my boyfriend had our ups and downs. We’d argue threatened to leave other yet always found a way back to each other. and that’s okay except I’m mentally fucking myself over every time we get back together. He’s a good dad and an okay boyfriend to me. He’s affectionate, loyal, faithful and caring. He’s actually everything I wanted in a man expect the lack of communication and understanding my mental illness
When I say lack of communication I mean he’s always had a hard time speaking to someone without sounding intimating or rude and its even worst when it comes to us and our relationship struggles. Mainly figuring a way how to speak and support during an episode. Its especially hard when the center of my dilemma is something involving him. It can be something so simple as his dad looked at me a certain way and now I think he’s going to hate me and him and my boyfriend is going to talk down about.
Why? Because the trigger is usually an insecurity that still in the process of healing. And while I’m having this episode, he isn’t there, physically or emotionally. Instead in almost every situation where I felt like everyone was out to get me he was in that crowd looking back at me with big eyes that clearly say, “what the fuck”.
I know my episodes has nothing to do with him in a sense. It’s the repeated mental abuse of those before added to what occurred between me and him. I’m at my breaking point. BUT I’m aware of how my behavior is seen from those looking outside in: She’s messed up.
**True facts: I’ve heard several people say things like this as soon as I turn my back, “she started it… “she crazy…” etc.”
I know I need to work on me more. A lot more. I knew my mental illness is causing ME anguish but I never knew everyone saw the ugliness it brought too.
So, with that, I’m considering breaking up with him . He did nothing wrong other knowing my pain and doing nothing. He may not know why I’m triggered but I KNOW he knows when I’m triggered. Its all in my face. The worst part is, everyone in the community knows that something is messed up with me. I overheard them.
This isn’t my home. Never has even though I was born and raised here. I need to start over fresh and relieve myself from this negative repetitive cycle. Because like my ex and current boyfriend has me reminded, “No wants to be around a depressing person.”
I am very depressed and fucked up. It sucks because I literally have no one.
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Bipolar depression with anxiety is not fun and isn’t taken seriously by a lot of people. I could tell you a fluffy story filled with amazing trips and a great sense of high from smoking cannibs and just living life, but I’ll be lying.
Truth is, even with medication, I’m still struggling. I have a HUGE jealousy issue that ends up triggering my depression depending on the situation, something I’m working on heavily.
So far, I’m down about 10 lbs and have gained muscle mass in my glutes. I learned that my weight-loss journey fluctuates with my mood, which can be erratic and unpredictable. I’m having episodes at least twice a week, and the shit is mostly about family and women.
I’m having a hard time trusting my boyfriend again even though he stopped years ago. I’m scared to let my guard down again. What if THIS time he actually DOES cheat and break my heart completely other than starring at women’s ass making me feel uncomfortable.
Since I’m on the ass subject he revealed to me the other day that when we first before my journey to gain more muscle, I too was flat, which I knew, but he kept saying otherwise…
I will never understand the inner working of one’s mind…
If anyone is reading this, what are some tips to overcome a moment that may arise due to jealousy. I’ve been working on my confidence. My weight is a huge factor, so that’s my main focus, other than getting back to my femininity.
I have tried therapy, but the place I go to constantly switches my therapist, so I’m not as excited as I was attempting it again… I don’t want to go through this hell of the story again with another stranger who may leave.
I still can’t believe I lost myself. At least I’m getting it back now… Again.
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*Edited*
A quick observation note for my fellow people who also suffer from mental illness.
Don’t confide to people that you don’t 100% trust.
Also,
Don’t be around people if you’re having an episode.
Why?
People talk. Especially when you’re not around and they DO judge.
Not everyone now, but majority for sure.
Why?
Because they don’t suffer from a mental illness. They don’t understand.
How do I know this?
Well…
For the past two years everytime I walk outside my house and my neighbors are outside I they start whispering. They can be loud and laughing and then they see me… All hush talk from then on.
Be careful my fellow champions and stay strong and know you are not alone.
🖤
#blogging #lifestyle #mentalhealth #depression #social #bipolar #writing #goals #positivity #therapy #relationships
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Since my medication adjustment, I’ve been feeling better than ever. Things are clear. I’m more focused and my multitasking abilities have returned. I’m getting back to organizing which has helped me tremendously in the last three weeks or so.
The amazing part about this is: I don’t feel so heavy and guilty about everything. I accept pretty much any uncontrollable situation. I’m also comfortable about my values and feelings. I realized, finally, that I can’t make everyone be as compassionate or understanding as me. As my therapist have told me many times, by the way she’s awesome, it’s okay to not belong. That doesn’t mean I’ve done something or they’ve done something.
It’s okay to be different. It’s okay not to agree. It’s okay to not belong.
Definitely happy in my own skin.
🖤
#blogging #lifestyle #mentalhealth #depression #exercise #bipolar #writing #motherhood #goals #positivity #momlife #keepgoing #letsgo #therapy #relationships
DISSECTING REALITY 